You Cannot Pour from an Empty Cup

“Working on yourself can take a lot of investment but it is worth it in so many ways, not only to yourself but the people around you.”

As a human being we are constantly living in a place of pleasing people, fear of saying no, and the shame and guilt of putting ourselves first. These struggles exist in our personal relationships, with our children, their schools, and even people we do not know. If you are a business owner like me, you may have felt the fear of saying no to a client, creating boundaries around your time schedule or turning down a connection opportunity just because you don't have the bandwidth to fulfill that connection at that moment. 

“You cannot pour from an empty cup.”

I know that you have heard me and many other coaches say this over and over, and it is not an empty saying. I have been the person that has over reached, over committed, constantly people pleasing, putting myself last or not even respecting my needs at all and it is exhausting. In your head, if you think that this is only hurting you and not expanding outside of your own circle then you are in the wrong friend. 

Here Are Three Ways that We Live a Life of Overcommitment and Undervaluing Ourselves:

• Always putting something or someone before yourself. Remember relationships are their own entity and you can release them or put them down for a moment when they become too much for you. When we are in a constant state of giving, there comes a point where we become depleted but we are still giving even though there is nothing left to give. The giving that we do at that point is not healthy to ourselves and can even cause damage to others even though we are doing it for them. Think about going to an event that you don’t want to go to and don't have time to go to and your attitude in that event plus what trickles out of it into other parts of your life. Then think about an event that you’re excited about, you have time for it, you’re going to it for yourself. What are the differences in your life between the two? 

• Being in a cycle of shame and guilt. You are a human being and there are only 24 hours in a day. If you are in a constant cycle of maximizing your efforts for other people, you will live in a constant space of never fully giving something or someone your best. At that point you will also create a cycle of constant monologue of shaming yourself and feeling guilty of underperforming. People make mistakes and people are also not robots, and even our technology has glitches and overwhelmed moments! Think of your computer when too many tabs are open and how slow it runs! Learn to give yourself compassion and understanding, the same way you would do it for your best friend. 

• Comparison mode runs your headspace. It is impossible not to compare ourselves to others but the biggest difference is comparing and not letting it cause damage to our self worth. Everyone has issues, and everyone has things that they are good at and most people “flaunt the goods” not the issues. Every time a comparison is made in your head and you turn it into “I am shit” mode, that is going to keep a cycle of trying to over commit and people please to prove that you are not “shit”. But guess what, you are worthy because you just are! Your worth does not have to be proven to yourself or others! 

Here Are Four Things You Can Work On Today to Help You Overcome Overcommitting and Undervaluing Yourself:

• Before saying yes or no to taking on a commitment take time to think about. Do not reply right away. Create a list of responses that are ready for you when you are asked so that you do not have to stress about finding the right words to say. 

• Create a list of self care and then create a time and space to do that self care and do not sway away from it. Your self care routine is a time that you are busy, busy taking care of yourself! Stop being the person that hasn’t showered in three days because you don’t have the time and do not put yourself first. 

• Learn to say and be comfortable with “I don't have time for that”. If you know you don’t have time for something but you have fear and shame around saying it in the moment that you are asked, prolonging those feelings will make it worse. If you learn to say this in comfort and with compassion, it will lead to better connections with people and respect of you and your time. 

• Learn to renegotiate your commitments: Life happens and everything does not always go according to plan. Rather than being in a constant state of suffering, learn to renegotiate or adjust your commitments. There is a difference between self-discipline and sticking to important commitments, and suffering through life. 

“Look at guilt and say, what can I change, what can I do and where can I forgive myself”

Remember, your worth is not in what you do for others. 

Best,

Claire

For more information check out the podcast episode with relationship coach Lisa who talks about her own struggles and how she works through them.