The Dangers of People Pleasing And 6 Steps To Cure The Need To Please

Mar 22, 2021

“When I seek your approval, I don’t approve of the me that’s seeking the approval.” - Byron Katie

People pleasing is a deeply subconscious coping strategy for low self-worth. Being a people pleaser is a behaviour pattern you've adopted as a way of getting your basic human need of belonging met. You think it means that people will really like and respect you when actually it has the opposite effect. Overextending yourself for others invites a lack of respect. It leaves you feeling exhausted, resentful and even taken advantage of. In this blog I am going to give you the real truth about people-pleasing. We will cover the root cause, signs to watch out for and proven strategies to overcome it.

Being a people pleaser you tend to attract energy vampires. I once met a friend after 6 weeks of travelling all over India. I was dying to tell her about the sacred cows of India, the burning ghats of Varanasi, driving a Tuk-Tuk through Southern India and seeing the amazing Taj-Mahal. After two and a half hours of listening to all of her worries and woes, she finally asked me how India was. I hadn’t a bean of energy left. After a quick ‘yea, it was really nice’ and some pleasantries, I made my excuses and left feeling absolutely exhausted.

As a chronic people pleaser I spent most of my life subconsciously trying to get people to like me. The worst part is that I didn’t even know I was doing it. That's because most of the time people-pleasing behaviours are completely subconscious. You're not even aware of the hold they have over you.

Validation became the soothing antidote to my deep rooted low self-worth and feelings of unworthiness that lay below the surface of my confident exterior. I depended on others to give me the things I so badly needed to give myself: love, validation and approval. I depended on the approval and validation of friends, family and co-workers like a diabetic depends on insulin.

As a people-pleaser I had little to no boundaries. I would loan money and never look for it back. I would overextend myself in work to the point of exhaustion. I would always go-with-the flow. I found it really hard to voice my opinions and true feelings, especially when I was hurt. When somebody treated me badly, I would double-down on my people pleasing behaviours and become even more needy. This usually resulted in worse treatment and lowered my self-worth even more.

The Root of the Problem

My behaviour stemmed from childhood. Like a lot of children, I mistook bad treatment to mean that something was wrong with me. Now I know that people who hurt others are projecting their own pain outwards. Without even knowing it, I had come to fear the pain of rejection that I felt as a child intensely. It was secretly controlling my life. I would go to any lengths to avoid those painful emotions that haunted me from my past.

When people rejected or disapproved of me it really triggered those old childhood wounds. Even though my intentions were good, I was let down time and time again. This created a really disempowering victim mindset.

It took lots of therapy, coaching and healing work. As my self-worth grew though, so did my confidence, boundaries and happiness. I stopped relying on others and I began creating my own happiness - which is the key to overcoming people pleasing. Over time, when others did something nice, it was a lovely surprise rather than something I expected in return for my over-extending.

The only person you can ever change is yourself. You have to stop wishing that other people will become more considerate, kind and respectful. Other people are always reflecting back to you how you feel about yourself. Work on building your own self-worth and the people around you will begin to respond to that stronger, healthier version of you.

So What Exactly Is A People Pleaser?

A people pleaser is somebody who tries really hard to make others happy. I once had a client who admitted that all she wanted in life was for others to think that she was a good kind person. She would go out of her way to be agreeable and acceptable to others. People pleasers go to extreme lengths to avoid the pain of rejection or disapproval. They often act the way they do because of insecurities and lack of self-esteem.

They crave validation. Their “personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,” said Linda Tillman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and assertiveness expert. At their core people-pleasers lack confidence she said. “In the worst case scenario, you’ll wake up and find yourself depressed, because you’re on such overload because you possibly can’t do it all,” she said.

Caring what others think is normal, it's part of your survival brain. If you’re rejected by your peers or tribe your two million year old brain prepares for death! We are wired for belonging and taking care of each other. There' s a big difference between healthy helping and the need to please however. As people pleasers our need to be needed makes us feel important and we become addicted to it.

People pleasing meets your short term needs of validation and approval. Over the long term though it festers as resentment, anger and exhaustion. We think that people-pleasing makes people like us, when it actually does the opposite.

Clinical psychologist Erika Martinez wrote “The need to feel ‘okay,’ liked, or approved-of is rooted in the messages a person received about their inherent worthiness and belonging while growing up”. She continues, “Somewhere along the way, people with contingent self-worth learned that their worth came from others' approval, not from within themselves.”

Typically people who people-please are conditioned to feel very guilty. Usually starting in childhood or possibly adolescence, we subconsciously believe that we are responsible for other people’s emotions. We become enmeshed in other people and their drama. We are full of ‘should’s and shame. Our biggest fear as people-pleasers is that we won’t have a purpose, function or any worth without externally validation.

"Your need to feel needed becomes greater than all of your other needs."

Signs You’re A People Pleaser

You get really anxious if you think somebody is mad at you - it sends your nervous system into complete overdrive. You are hyper-vigilant to the opinions of others.
You overextend yourself to the point of exhaustion. Your needs are always at the very bottom of the list.
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions. You have become so attuned to other’s emotions and feel somehow responsible for their happiness, or lack of.
You over apologise. even when the other person is in the wrong, you apologise. Keeping the peace is more important than you own emotions.
You just can’t say no and have a huge fear of letting people down. There is a mismatch between what you’re feeling and what you say. You smile ‘I’d love to go that party’ but on the inside you are crying ‘I can't think of anything worse’. The voice of your needs has become muted because you have been focused on others for so long.
Covert kindness - you do something with an expectation. You secretly want something out of being nice and get annoyed when you don’t get it.
You don’t have your own opinion and just ‘go with the flow’. If you’re asked where you want to go for lunch your default is ‘I don't mind, you pick’, rather than actually checking in with yourself what kind of food you’re in the mood for.
You base your decisions on the approval and expectations of others. You have a loud inner 'what will they think/say/do?' that is running the show.

I actually changed my career based on this. I had applied to several colleges to study Psychology when I was 17. I was told that I would make a great teacher and that Psychology was too difficult, that there were no jobs in it. Off I went and changed all of my college applications. I had allowed somebody else to decide my future based on their own expectations and judgements. Now if that isn’t the definition of a people-pleaser, I don’t know what is.

The Dangers of People Pleasing

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” -Lao Tzu

As a people-pleasing adult you are very easily controlled, manipulated, exploited and hurt. You become constantly stressed, feel like a victim and have very weak boundaries. You may feel frustrated, dominated and even trapped in mind games. You are constantly living in fear of what others will think, say or do. This is not only detrimental to your mental health but your physical health too. It leads to constant anxiety, sleeping less and over-eating to cope.

When your boundaries are crossed and you don't speak up you bottle it up. Your body is full of suppressed emotions like anger and resentment. You think you're angry at the other person but really you're angry at yourself for not speaking up and holding boundaries.

Worst of all - fear of judgement, embarrassment and rejection keeps you playing it safe and small. We ignore the stress from the job we hate, that feeling we’re with the wrong person, that calling we have to share our gifts with the world. We avoid, numb and distract with food, tv, alcohol and countless other things. We choose approval over authenticity every day and then wonder why we feel so crap and exhausted all of the time!

Self-Love is the Antidote to People Pleasing

When you don’t believe that you are worthy, you hustle for it! People pleasing is that hustle. You need to start relying on internal rather than external validation. Know that you are worthy, whole and complete. Not because other's tell you you are but because you believe and tell yourself that you are. I know you may not believe it at first but over time it will become the most empowering belief. You will never let other's decide your worth again.

When I finally let go of the need to please, be liked and validated and cultivated inner validation and happiness, my whole world changed. With practice and patience my need for all of those things has slowly faded away. I have this new-found freedom and energy. I am finally living life for myself and not others.

"Make authenticity your goal in life, not approval."

6 STEPS TO STOP PEOPLE PLEASING

Step 1 - Become your own best friend: get back in touch with your internal voice. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and desires. Be internally honest with yourself. Know your values and priorities. Give yourself the validation you’re looking for daily. I do this through affirmations, journaling and self-care. Learn how to make yourself feel good so that you don't rely on others to make you feel good.

Step 2 - Ditch all the 'should's and shame: Instead of ‘I should just do her the favour’ try saying ‘I will honour how I’m feeling and base my decision on that’. stop saying yes when inside you're screaming no! Plan some nice things into your week ahead of time. When you have a lot of great things to say yes to, saying no is easy.

Step 3 - Get comfortable with disappointment: It’s part of healthy, mature adult relationships. Sometimes people will disappoint you and other times you will disappoint them. Have a mantra like ‘My needs matter. I have the right to do what is right for me. What other people think of me does not define me’. Post it where you will see it every day. Start small and begin to take your time, energy and power back.

Step 4 - Speak your truth: ask for what you want, be honest and don’t be manipulative. Stop trying to be a martyr and decide what you want. Getting your needs met by pouting and sulking isn't the best way to go about it. It takes courage to step up and speak your truth. They may say no and if they do that's ok. I'm slowly getting better at asking for what I want, without needing to control the outcome. It's so liberating. Getting a yes now is just a bonus!

Step 5 - Start saying no (without the justifications): you don’t have to have plans to say no. Recognise that you always have a choice. Pause before answering, don't be afraid to say 'let me get back to you'. There's no need to apologise or over-explain. The first no will be hard so start small. A simple 'I'd love to catch up with you soon when things aren't as busy here' is fine. The only people that get angry when you hold boundaries are those who benefit from you having none. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness only yours.

Step 6 - Detach from the opinions of others: think of how much happier you would be and what you could achieve if you stopped worrying about other people's opinions of you. Your life will never be yours when you are consumed by opinions. Other people's opinions have nothing to do with you. Some people will love you, others won't and that's ok. Your goal in life is not to get the approval of others, it's to live your truest and happiest life. People are not even thinking about you as much as you think they are. Take a break from social media, which can be a huge addiction for people-pleasers. I've started taking Sunday's off social media this year. At first it was really hard but now I look forward to and love it. Give your brain a break

Curing people-pleaser behaviour may seem simple but it is not easy. If you have been doing this all of your life your ego will likely throw a fit when you begin to change your behaviour. Be patient with yourself. Remember that real transformation takes time. Take small steps every day and the changes over time will be huge. Start with step one today and set a goal of giving your first 'no' this week. Practice self-compassion and courage rather than criticism.

Finally, when you try to please everybody, you please nobody. People pleasing robs you of your self-esteem and sense of worth. Your worth is so much more than what you do for others. Really start to give yourself the validation you are seeking and wean yourself off of the need to be needed. You will feel a new sense of empowerment and begin to enjoy your life the way you were meant to - to the absolute fullest!

Repeat after me: I am doing the best I know and the best I can in this moment. I love and approve of myself fully as I am. I am enough, i do enough and i have enough. I don't need or depend on other people’s opinion or validation.

If you would love the power and freedom of having a completely empowered mindset to live a happier and more meaningful life, sign up for my Master Your Mindset Method group coaching course. It is a 12 week course designed to take you from struggling and surviving to absolutely thriving! Here’s a link to all the details you need. See you there!

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Cras sed sapien quam. Sed dapibus est id enim facilisis, at posuere turpis adipiscing. Quisque sit amet dui dui.

Call To Action

Stay connected with news and updates!

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from our team.
Don't worry, your information will not be shared.

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.