7 Simple Steps To Seriously Improve Your Self-Worth in 2021
Mar 02, 2021-
According to Dr Joe Rubino’s The Self Esteem Book, 85% of the world’s population are affected by low self esteem.
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A recent survey revealed that Instagram is the worst social media platform for self-esteem.
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Studies show that rates of anxiety and depression have increased by 70% in the last 25 years.
“People strive to feel good about themselves or seek to maintain their self-esteem, and this is fundamental to human nature.” -Cognitive Scientist Juan Yang
It wasn’t until my thirties that I discovered the empowerment of truly accepting, approving and validating yourself. It's been such a game-changer! I wish I’d realised how much my low self-worth was affecting me sooner. It would have saved me years of struggling to prove my worth.
I now know that others liking you is just a bonus, liking yourself is the real prize.
It wasn't always that easy. From a very young age I was a really high achiever. How others felt about me became how I felt about myself. When I experienced rejection of any kind, even a message left on read, my inner critic went into overdrive! I would start overanalyzing and I became hypersensitive to rejection of any kind. It seemed like the world was always confirming my deepest fear with a big 'yep, you're definitely not enough'.
Like many people my self-worth was tied to externals - my work, relationships and body image specifically. Perfectionism became my way of coping with low self-worth. Every time I's reach my extra high standards I'd raise the bar again. Unsurprisingly, the more I looked for validation and approval the less I got it. Because nothing turns people off more than neediness, right?
My attempts at fitting in and proving my worth created cycles of anxiety and exhaustion that always ended in burnout.
Living with low-self esteem doesn’t just affect your work life. It affects your relationships, mental health and overall quality of life. Constantly worrying about how you come across and what others think of you absolutely drains all of your energy.
Lack of confidence in some situations is totally normal but when low-self esteem stops you from enjoying your life, it’s a problem.
Low self-esteem is not your fault!
The moment I realised that underneath a lot of my problems was low self-worth was such a lightbulb moment. Everything seemed to make absolute sense. Developing real self-worth, independent of all that external noise, has been one of the most challenging yet life-changing things I’ve ever done. It takes huge courage to finally stop living your life for others.
Your brain is wired for survival
There is a huge wave of relief when you begin to understand the nature, purpose and intention of your mind. You realise that negativity is not your fault, it is your default. Your brain’s main job is survival and keeping you safe, not happiness.
Low self-esteem is your brain on hyper-alert to the threat of rejection. It's thinking 'if I can control and manage everyone's opinions of me then I will feel safe and loved'. What you don't realise is that everything you seek from others is already within. You just haven't learnt how to give it to yourself, yet.
It might seem impossible to overcome low self-worth but that’s absolutely not the case.
“Healthy self-esteem has been described as holding a balanced view of oneself in which one recognizes and accepts human weaknesses and appreciates ones’ strengths and good qualities.” -Fennel, 1998
Self-esteem is basically our self-image and sense of worthiness. It’s how we see ourselves and the value we perceive we have in the world. It's usually derived from our achievements, abilities and what we think we are capable of. As Fennel points out above, it’s human nature to want to feel good about ourselves and to have a positive self-image.
It's so important to balance that need with accepting all of our flaws and weaknesses too.
The need for self-esteem comes from one of our most basic survival needs - connection and being part of a tribe. Being part of a group meant survival for our ancestors so these powerful ‘please-like-accept-want-need-validate-me’ genes are buried deep into our DNA.
Healthy self-esteem doesn’t just improve how you feel about yourself. It also improves how you interact with the world and everyone in it. It is so important to cultivate self-worth that is independent of the externals (your relationship status, financial status and even how you are being treated by others.). True self-worth is recognising your worthiness has nothing to do with those. You are worthy because you exist, period!
Trying to prove your worth
When I started a new job a few years back I remember being asked how my day was going by a friendly colleague. Before I could answer I burst into tears. I was so busy all day I hadn't eaten, this was long after lunch, and I was completely exhausted! I was at that 'proving my worth' early stages of the job and it was killing me! Working evenings and weekends became normal and I had zero boundaries that respected my time or energy.
Self-worth is different from self-esteem. It is our sense that we deserve to be alive, to be loved and that we deserve great things. Low self-worth leads to huge shame, anxiety and even depression.
When you have low self-worth you subconsciously look to confirm that you are not worthy. For example, if you don’t believe that you're good at your job, your brain will constantly search for evidence that you’re not. The same goes for being single. Every rejection you get just confirms that you are not worthy, lovable or deserving of a great relationship. Your low self-worth becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Here's the thing - no matter what happens the most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. All other relationships come and go in one way or another. Your relationship with yourself is a lifelong one so it’s worth investing in it.
Where does my low self-esteem come from?
Low self-esteem is like having an alarm going off in our brains that we are in danger of being thrown out of the 'in-group'. If we don't feel worthy enough it creates a huge threat to our survival instincts. Your survival instincts are much stronger than your logic.
Brain scan studies show that when our self-esteem is higher, we see common experiences like rejection and failure as less painful, and bounce back from them much quicker. When our self-esteem is healthy, we are less prone to anxiety and depression. We release less cortisol, the stress hormone, into our body and our nervous system is much better regulated.
Low self-worth leads to negative habits like ruminating, overthinking and harsh criticism of ourselves and others. We can go into overdrive and fall into the spotlight-effect trap. The spotlight-effect is when we think that others are thinking about us a lot more than they actually are. We repeatedly think about past mistakes, grudges and blaming others.
Coping Strategies
We try to cope with ANT's (Automatic Negative Thoughts) by over-analysing them. This actually backfires and just sends us into an even deeper spiral of negativity. We end up believing and obsessing over every negative thought that pops into our heads. This creates really strong emotions in our bodies leading us to feel insecure and unmotivated.
Some people avoid improving their self-esteem because they are afraid that if their self-esteem is too high it will lead to arrogance, being disliked and even narcissism. There is a difference. Narcissism is feeling superior to others and having an inflated sense of importance. It is very ego-driven. Having healthy self-esteem is feeling worthy and whole. It does not depend on comparison and is much more heart-centred.
7 simple steps to strengthen your self-esteem today
Cultivating healthy self-esteem is a daily practice. Never underestimate the power of these small daily habits. Small changes over time lead to great results, trust me! Transformation takes time so practice, patience and persistence is key.
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Awareness: All change starts with awareness. Pay attention to your self-talk. Instead of asking ‘What’s wrong with me? Why am I always so negative? Why can I never meet anyone?' practice kinder self-talk. Your brain gets to work and gives you all the answers when you ask questions like that. Don’t believe everything you think, thoughts aren't facts! Start asking better questions, like 'Why am I always so grateful, loving and kind to myself?'. Start speaking to yourself more positively. Change the stories you tell yourself and you will change your life.
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Write an ‘I love myself because…’ list: Take 5 minutes to write as many things as you can. This is a really powerful exercise to take the spotlight off of your flaws and focus on your strengths. Focus on your character, eg. I am kind, resilient, have a great sense of humour, a great friend/wife/daughter, etc. We are all good at different things. You might be amazing in the kitchen, I on the other hand am definitely not! Find ways to express your strengths and feel more confident. Keep the list somewhere where you can see it every day. I keep mine in my daily journal and read it when I need to (which isn't as often as it used to be!).
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Practice self compassion: Compassion doesn't come naturally to us, criticism does. Low self-esteem is an invitation for our inner critic. But criticism doesn’t work, ever! Think about it, have you felt better after a really good ‘why-is-my-life-so-shit’ pity party? No? Shocking! When you do something good it doesn’t make you a saint. The same is true when you do something bad. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Learn to separate your behaviour from your self-worth. When you notice yourself criticising ask what your friend would say in this situation. We are so much kinder to each other than we are to ourselves. You are human and you will mess up, we all do! A really powerful mantra to have on repeat is ‘I never judge or criticise myself or others’. Try it and watch as your energy completely frees up.
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Stop comparing: It is so easy to fall into the compare and despair trap. When we do it creates a storm of shame, unworthiness and guilt. Somebody may appear really happy on social media or even in person but you never know their inner struggles. Whether you believe that somebody is better than or below you, it is always coming from the ego. Stop judging yourself and others by this ruler society has created that apparently measures success. Decide what happiness and success looks like for you and become so focused on your own path you no longer need to compare and despair!
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Gratitude: Our brain is not wired to focus on the positives. What you focus on, you always get more of. You have to start training your brain to focus on all the things that are going well in your life. Having a daily gratitude practice has completely changed my life. It has really helped me to maintain a positive attitude, even when things aren’t going the way I’d like them to. Just yesterday, I got some really upsetting news. Instead of spinning into negativity I practiced gratitude for my resilience and amazing support network. It didn't get rid of the problem but it definitely made it much easier to handle. Imagine how much easier it is to deal with the inevitable challenges in life with an attitude of gratitude.
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Mirror work: this is one of the most powerful ways you can reprogram your mind for better self-esteem. Every morning and evening when you are brushing your teeth practice positive self-talk. Make eye-contact with yourself and decide what you would like to believe about yourself. Your thoughts are always creating your reality. Tell yourself ‘I am enough, I do enough and I have enough’. I also love ‘I am worthy, whole, safe and loved’. If you can do it out loud, even better. It might feel really uncomfortable at first but I promise you, it really does work!
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Self care: You absolutely must have daily practices that maintain healthy self-esteem. Exercise is one of the best forms of self-care. “Exercising creates empowerment both physical and mental,” notes Debbie Mandel, author of Addicted to Stress. Exercise releases endorphins into your system that make you feel good. It is much better to get even a 10 minute walk outside every day than spending hours in the gym. Trusting and loving yourself comes from keeping small daily promises to yourself. Self-love is not just a thought, it's an action! Schedule in daily and weekly activities that help you feel more connected to yourself and make you feel happy. Having more fun is one of the best ways to boost our self-esteem.
Final thoughts and takeaways
Every human being on the planet is born with equal worth and infinite potential. Learning to separate your self-esteem and worth from the outside world is not easy but it's key to your health and happiness. When you learn to accept, love and value your imperfect self you are free to enjoy your life to the fullest. When I finally began to feel worthy I stepped into my higher self and my true self. I let go of the need to please. I started living a life that I truly loved because I knew I deserved it and I was worthy of it.
Put your relationship with yourself as a top priority every day and watch as your life flourishes. The key is to catch yourself when you are comparing and criticising. Change that narrative and focus on compassion, gratitude and unconditional self-worth.
Start today by deciding on at least one or two of the practices above. If you don’t have 10 minutes a day to work on your relationship with yourself, you don’t have a life. That might sound harsh but it’s true. Your self-esteem is the foundation of all of your happiness, success and relationships. Make it a priority and watch as your health, happiness and success in every area of your life grows.
Before you go
If this resonated with you, you need to join my completely FREE Master Magnetic Confidence Masterclass, linked here. And if you love all things mindset and self-improvement you will absolutely love my new Master Your Mindset group coaching course. It is a 12 week course to take you from surviving 2021 to absolutely thriving! Here’s a link to all the deets you need. See you there!
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